A Recapitulation.

I had an 8 day hiatus and for that I apologize. This has been a terrible week.

Every year the band goes on a spring trip. Last year I did not get to go because my mom did not feel that I was...stable enough. I was very unhappy last year. Lots and lots of cutting. Not good. So, she (my mother) promised me that I would not only get to go on whatever trip the band took this year, but would also get to go on the senior trip. I am the kind of person that takes promises very seriously. I cannot handle disappointment. So, needless to say, I was very upset when I discovered that I could not go on the trip that I had OBSESSED over since band camp 2008.

I admit that it was my fault. If I hadn't had so much trouble this year I could go. I failed two classes last semester. I was feeling very overwhelmed in class, at home, everywhere. I still am. I am merely doing a better job of ignoring the body static and the pneumatic drill. But last semester I wanted to scream nearly every waking moment. Everything was too loud, too bright, too everything. I moved myself away from the class whenever possible. I became very overwhelmed with the work. Not the academic part but the QUANTITY. There was so much of it that I simply did not know where to start. And when I DID manage to get started it was never GOOD enough (by my standards). Never perfect.

So, I failed two of 6 classes. The Counselor told me (as well as my mother) that "Night school is free". What she MEANT to say (possibly she was not thinking because she did NOT say this) was that "Night School is free ONLINE after you have written an essay". We did not have the money at that point. So I could not attend.

Fast forward to this semester. We have the funds to send me to Disney World with the band. I get to march in the Disney parade. Joyous rapture. Enter The Counselor. She informs me that I will not get to walk at graduation because I am missing two half-credits*. She says that I need to make plans. Fast forward a bit more. To the end of the school day. Mom calls me to inform me that The Counselor has called her. She wants to know why they are not simply averaging the grade as per usual. I, of course, do not have a clue. She says other things that I shall not repeat. She informs me that she will call me back. Fast forward about an hour. I am walking to Delightfully Psychotic's house. Mom calls to say "You are not going to like this but you have two choices. You can either go to Disney World or pass the twelfth grade. It's up to you."

That was a lie. It was not up to you. Initially I chose passing. Obviously. For many hours I tearfully stood by my decision. Until I started thinking. I would have to go to summer school anyway. Either summer school or about 3 months or 12th grade again (I only need half credits).
Why miss the trip AND ruin my last summer vacation? I decided, at around 12:47AM, that I would rather go on the trip, enjoy the summer, got back to school very briefly, and then go to college. Well, the whole "It's up to you" schist (a type of rock but it is obvious what I really mean) was a test. I had my suspicions. I'd voiced my suspicions and my mother vehemently protested. She then said "The option is no longer yours. We have decided for you." At this point I laughed. "I knew it." And then I walked into my room and proceeded to head butt the wall a good three of four times (yeah, I am still pretty self injurious. i am not proud of it.) and then pretended to study. I managed to save my skin by telling my mother that the noises she heard was me throwing down my text books.

Friday I was informed that I was the reason that my mother and stepfather are divorcing. He feels that I do not respect him because I do not speak. Speak, to the people in my family, entails greeting a person incessantly. Saying "Hello! How are you?" every time that you see them. I never "speak" to anyone and they don't feel disrespected for it. Why does he think he is so special? I find his logic extremely childish as well as inherently flawed. That is a completely shit reason to divorce someone (not shitty, shit).

So there is a condensed account of my week.

*My school has changed the grading system or what have you. We no longer have 4 classes every semester but 8 classes throughout the week. We are now on an A/B schedule. On A days you do to four classes and on B days you go to four completely different classes. It can be very confusing. Instead of averaging the grades through out the year, as was previously done, they now give half a credit per semester which is stupid in my honest opinion but I cannot control that as I am merely a student.