I feel...defeated. It is like this most days, but today I feel it is especially powerful. I am terribly thin skinned. I am not that great with people. I do not know how to speak in the cool yet threatening tones that my peers have mastered so well. You know....that way they have with smiling while they you ever so subtly tear you to shreds with their words? They are feline in this way. Retract the claws and smile pretty. In this sense I am more like the dog...my claws are always in the open. But who cares for scratching? I would much rather rip out your throat with my teeth.
That being said, on to the blog. Pardon me while I cover you in a horrendous torrent of word vomit. It could be worse...I could have verbal diarrhea. Explosive verbal diarrhea.
Today has been a bad day. Allow me to explain why.
Sunday, my sister was instructed to clean the bathroom. She did not. Monday my mother texted me about how my job was half done and that the bathroom was a mess. Well, I told her that I we did not have to clean the bathroom(I was mistaken) and that our jobs were not half done. She then forwarded me a text message that she received from my sister. Basically she(Dearest Sister) lied about cleaning the bathroom and blamed the mess on me(I took a bath that morning around 3AM). So, my mother replied "So which one of you is lying?". I said "Me mom. Always". Why fight it? I can never prove anything. So, later that day I was getting ready to clean it myself. My mom called me and was on about it. I don't really remember what she said. Curious how that happens. Somehow, our conversation lead to me being expected to tell DS to clean the bathroom or that she would tell her. I meant to do it. But I had a headache(excuse alert) as I often do. So, at four PM, I lay down for a nap....and woke 18 hours later. Obviously the bathroom stayed the way that it was.
So, today I actually got started with the cleaning. I noticed that DB was wet and in need of a change. I asked Kid Explosion to ask DS to change her. Kid Explosion was sent back with a message for me to do it myself. I am sorry to say that I snapped. I shouldn't have, but I did. I picked up DB, carried her to DS, and bellowed "Either change her or clean the bathroom!". It did not sound so loud...but it must have been. I put DB down and walked away while DS called after me "YOU need to change her!".
I cleaned a bit more and then decided to sit in my(our) room and calm down. Enter DS with an odd expression on her face. She proceeded to inform me about how she would not deal with my attitude. That she did not take shit from anyone, whether they are older than her or not. My brain rips in half.
Digression: I take so much shit from people it is not even funny. Seriously, if my life was a T.V. show no one would laugh. They would shift uncomfortably in their seats and wonder why they felt so compelled to watch such a painful display of social awkwardness and lack of self esteem. I am a walking car wreck, people. Mangled bodies litter the cracked pavement around the warped cars of my existence. DS is giving me a pretty good percentage of it and thus far I have done my very best to grin and bear it. We share a room, we have the same carpool, we go to the same school. I was imperative that we get along. I wanted her to like me....I wanted that SO much. I toned down the weirdness, I swallowed the anger, I tried to suppress my melancholy disposition. She ran(runs) all over me and I, for the most part, don't say a word. I shrug off her hypocrisy. The way she tells me to use my headphone while she listens to her music loudly. Basically telling me that she does not want to hear what I am listening to but that I should tolerate what she wants to hear. *laughs* Let us say that I am in The Room, watching something on the Discovery Channel, as that is the main thing that I watch. She can enter the room, glance at the tv,exclaim "Nuh uh. We're not watching that. I don't want to see that shit.", and then...as if I am not present, change the channel. I will, of course, protest. Not very loudly...with little conviction. "You're on the computer", she will say as she continues channel surfing. This is a typical occurrence. She treats me like a little kid. I do not yell. I do not make any outward sign that I am pissed the fuck off. I smile and scream inwardly at the injustice. Let me say once more, for clarity, that I am very thin skinned.
YOU won't take it from people?! I put up with an array of shit from you that no one should have to endure! The least you could do is PRETEND to tolerate mine every once in a blue fucking moon, my mind roars. "Good for you, " I say aloud, "now go away." She give me another look that I cannot define and goes a bit rigid. "No." "Get out", I hiss. She glares at me and says something that I don't even register. "Go away! Leave me alone!!", I scream. "Wow, she's yelling. I'm so scared", she replies. "My intent is not to scare you it is to make you go away! DON'T TALK TO ME!(youlyingcumdumpster)", I shoot back. "I'll talk to whoever the hell I want to", she replies. "Leave me alone! FUCK OFF!!!", I shriek. "Ooh, she is cussing. Wow", she replies with what appears to be a smile. I want to smash her smug face in. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!." At this point she turns and walks away, still talking. I am not so sure what she said but at the time I had to stop myself from hurling something heavy and blunt at the back of her skull.
Now, I am not proud of how I reacted. I feel like crap about it to be honest. She remained calm. I erupted volcano style with projectile word vomit lava. I DID have an attitude when I brought DB to her. I felt wronged. I felt wounded. Deeply wounded. Like she pried open a healing sore with her bar hands and poured salt in it. I feel things in the extreme. There is no middle ground. When I hurt I really ,really hurt. You might as well shoot me. The perceived injustice is that painful to me.
So, my mother comes home. I am pleased. Finally! She will have an OBJECTIVE view point. We will both explain our points of view and she will fix the inconsistencies, make her clean up, and it will end. No. She already has her opinion of the situation when she comes to me. I should have known better. I always set my self up for disappointment. I am just stupid that way. When she comes to me, she has heard one account. DS's account. And she "knows" what has happened. I went to her with my usual "nasty" attitude and barked for her to do something like I "am some one's mother" and DS stood up for herself. In other words, I was in the wrong as per usual. Well, I am shocked but not overly so.
This entire situation is my fault, you see. It all comes back to me falling asleep at 4. Which is just another damn excuse. I am full to my eyeballs in those, people. To my fucking eyeballs. She(my mother) is tired of them. And for good reason. I always have an excuse. I just have this idiotic mentality. You see, when someone asks me a "Why did(n't) you..." question that I can actually answer...well, I do just that. I give a reason as to why. Did you know that every reason that I give is an excuse? It is. This is why I "ignore" people. In other words, do not respond to such questions. I assume that they are all rhetorical. I mean...really. Any question that is asked when I person CLEARLY already "knows" the answer is not meant to be answered. Any time a person can stop you in the middle of an explanation and say that they are tired of your excuses(therefor completely DISMISSING everything that you have said or need to say)or toss out your answer and respond with "Yes you do! You did it because (whatever he/she thinks/"knows" to be true)then that is a rhetorical question because they never wanted your answer in the first place. But clearly I digress as I so often do.
So anyway, I am to blame for the problem . Never mind that this would not have occurred if she had simply cleaned the bathroom. THAT, my friends, is as irrelevant as I am completely and inherently WRONG. No! The REAL issue lies with me going to sleep instead of telling her to clean the bathroom yesterday. Learning to "speak up". Because, in the same situation I would have(hopefully) done exactly what she did and refused to change the baby. Let me be fair by saying WHY she would not do it. I was closer to her and she did not know that I was cleaning. So there. So, my mother yelled at me(she claims that she was addressing us both even though she kept going on and on about what I did wrong-and we all know how that makes me feel- and looked directly at me)for an unknown amount of time and told me that I was in the wrong and that she knows I was because I do the same thing to her. You know, the stomping, the attitude, the yelling minus the obscenity.
So, my mom says she had no way of knowing that she was supposed to so it. Okay, fine. I'll bite. DS even interjected with "I didn't know I needed to clean up today". I bite my tongue while my severed brain shrieks "THERE is a fucking CALENDER with a list of our chores STUCK TO THE DAMN REFRIGERATOR! EVEN IF YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RE CLEAN THE BATHROOM(which you never did in the first place)DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT, ONCE AGAIN IT IS YOUR DAY! We ARE on an alternating schedule you fucking twit! My mother gives no sign that she knows this. She would know if it were MY day. I feel betrayed. But let us be nice and say that even with a nice little hint in the fridge, she was still unaware. Ok genius, we just had this pleasant little chat about how you did not do what you were supposed to do and that it is all my fault. What do you think you should do now that it is over? Readers...what would YOU think? Can I tell you all something? It is Now Wednesday. 1:28AM. I do not think that this post will have that time listed because I started typing much earlier. DS still has not cleaned the bathroom. And guess what? Technically, it is my day to do it now. Looks like she gets away with it in the end. Amazing.
I hate being here. I hate being me. I feel defeated....and wrongly so. I understand that I was wrong. That I am ALWAYS wrong and always will be for one reason or another. What I cannot fathom is the why. WHY is the fact that she did not do what she was supposed to do irrelevant? Why is it always so relevant when it is me? Where is the consistency? Where is fair? Does anyone have Fair's e-mail address? I have a few choice words that I would love to share.
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