Do not sit here.

Know what I'm doing? I am listening to Untouched by The Veronicas for the37th time since I arrived home from school. I find the repetition soothing. Odd. Today was not a social day. No, no, no. It truly amazes me how much of my day is determined by the quality of my morning. I have got to stop holding on to all of this anger. One of these days it is going to grow tired of festering in the back of my mind and chew it's way out into the open. That would be bad.

So, second block really got me off kilter. Allow me to explain. I sit alone during Anatomy...by choice. People are loud and distracting and they bump into you constantly. So...rather than sit in my assigned seat I have relocated myself to a table in the back of the class. Insanely Funny is okay with that. She has only made me move back to my seat once during the entire year thus far. But anyway, my school is testing. Exit Exams. They take all of the desks in the school to the lower gym and give all of the classes chairs. Well, because of this nearly the ENTIRE ROOM came to my table. Not only were they NEAR me, I was friggin' SURROUNDED!
At this point the panic set in. Then, when Gossip Addict taps(it feels more like a punch at this point)to ask that I move over, I snap. I want to run from the room and slam the door as hard as I can. I want the glass to shatter. I think that would have been quite satisfying.

Gossip Addict is actually a friend of mine(or an acquaintance....I dunno the difference really)but that just set me off. I am a ticking time bomb. I wanted my space and not having it made me feel like a caged animal. She tapped me and said something that my ears would not register and I went crazy inside. In my mind I bellowed with rage and swore in fury. WHY did they all have to flock HERE?! At that instant I hated them all. I jumped up and moved my things. Gossip Addict's eyes grew wide and she said something else that I failed to hear. It ended in "You need to chill out". I'll "chill out" as soon as you and the rest of your flock bugger off!!!, retorted my enraged mind.

I spent the rest of the class in sullen silence(oooh alliteration!)resisting the urge to lash out. They were too close, too loud. One girl kept nudging me with her elbow. It seemed that every second another person was coming over to invade my space. The table is mine you see. Without a place to sit and regroup from band class I can become a bit...hmmm...adjectives fail me. Aggressive? Close enough. Many years ago, I would have punched, bit, and probably spat in my fury. Luckily I seem to have out grown such behaviors....or at the very least I no longer act upon the impulse.

I wish jump rope perimeters were allowed in school. I made those as a child, you see. All over my room the jump roaps would stretch. I loved them. They were comfort. They were safety. They were a barrier between me and the rest of the world. That relentless entity whose sole purpose was to disrupt my world. The one that I built in my mind. Quite upsetting.

Anyway, the class. The anger surged around within me and crashed headlong into the walls of my repose. It took all of my self restraint to refrain from screaming to Insanely Funny that she had better do SOMETHING about these sheep or so help me I was going to kill them. Everything grew too loud. My mp3player could not drown out the noise. The movie that no one was watching droned on while the clock tick tick ticked at a deafening frequency. I have never heard the clock through the music. Not ever. The sound reverberated through the class and rattled my insides. My breathing became faster and faster as my heart tried to pound it's way free of my chest. That infernal ticking seemed to grow louder and louder still as the panic seeped it's way into my lungs, choking them. I could feel what was coming. The sirens screamed in my head, EXTREME SPAZOUT IMMINENT!!! They were smothering me and I hated them for it.

I ground my teeth and groaned inwardly. I had to get out of there. Just when I though that I would have no choice but to flee the building, or the entire school, something miraculous happened. The bell rang and they all swarmed together and erupted from the room in a mass of converse and air force ones. I breathed a sigh of relief and slowly made my way to my next class. I'd survived the ordeal, yes, but the rest of my day was ruined. I was aware of how reactive I was in the rest of my classes. If anyone so much as glanced in my direction I gave them the death glare. It just goes to show how important it is for me to have my...routines. Change I simply cannot tolerate. Not easily. Not well.