On Being...Me.

When I was born...I am pretty sure I appeared to be quite normal. Tiny, perfect, pink...like most infants(once they have gotten all of the gunk off). I like to believe that, for the most part, I was, a seemingly normal child, albeit with some slight oddities that typically put off most of my peers. I had unusual interests, for a girl. Dinosaurs, insects, black holes,Lego's, hot wheels, volcanos, Timber Wolves, Pokemon...this list is quite extensive. All phases that would come and go as they pleased. It was, and would remain well into my teenage years, very difficult to get along with most children. My interests were narrow and foreign to them. I was a little philosopher. They were confused and possibly a bit frightened. "You know," I often began my statements, "one day everyone in this room will be dead. What do you think will happen? I wonder what that feels like...to be dead." They would watch me warily for the rest of the day. Avoid me whenever possible. Tell me to shut up if I so much as looked as if I might say something.

I did not ask "typical" questions. While my classmates wanted to know what made the sky blue, I was pondering the human mind and it's experiences. I already knew why the sky was blue. I wanted to know if everyone tasted everything in the same way. I wanted to know if there was something in each person's mind that told them to like or dislike some substance. For that matter, what was the mind? Where did it come from? Where does it go when we're...done? I wanted to know if everyone saw colours the way that I did. I wondered if hypothetically I were to look at a colour and see "yellow" and then look at it through another persons eyes, but still with my mind, if it would still be yellow. Would I see what I though was blue? Do we all call this colour that we see "yellow" simply because we are taught that it is yellow? Could two people view the same colour at the same moment and each see a different colour while calling it green because they learned at a young age to call it that? My teacher did not really care for such questions. I feel sorry for her. Looking back on that year(1st grade) I realize that I drove that woman insane. Literally. I still feel guilty for causing her nervous breakdown(but I will save that for another post).

Earlier...I called my interests phases but I think that they may be more than that. It takes a considerable amount of effort to pull myself away from a current interest...or obsession. I have spent many years trying to break myself away from Pokemon but, alas, it is quite pointless as I inevitably bounce to a new all encompassing "phase" or fall back to Pokemon. My obsessions often get in the way of other, more important, like...socializing, schoolwork, and chores. I have fallen very behind in school because I simply cannot tear myself away from my obsessions long enough to do my homework. Obviously I am failing. Often times I feel like I am simply too stupid to get into college.I spend much of my nights I worrying that I may not be able to sustain a job. Sure I can get one...but could I keep it for an extended period of time?
Regarding social interaction, my tendency is to ramble about my current interests/obsessions, which would be anything from Rubik's Infamous Cube to, and most usually, Pokemon and/or music. I very literally think of and speak of almost nothing else. Most of what I say is this....massive a jumble of useless crap. I think this may severely impairs my sociability. I have been told many times that I ramble on about the same things ceaselessly...so I try my best to talk very little. I often forget to do that. I do, however, make some conscious effort to talk about other things. I try to join in the gossip that I loath so utterly. But when I do so, I often realize that I have nothing else to talk about simply because of the fact that I never think about anything else and, you know, I fucking hate gossip. I scourge my mind for things to say and I often just draw a blank. I have a pretty marked disposition for small talk.

To be continued...maybe.