So, the snow has melted away. How sad. But it's okay. I've got a snowball in the freezer in remembrance of this glorious snow day! Maybe...school will be canceled tomorrow!!! *says a silent prayer* Now, on to the blog!
People, I'm not quite normal. Some of you are probably thinking something along the lines of "Umm...no shit.". I must sound like a broken record(or a scratched Cd for some of you younger folks). I spend a fairly copious amount of my time trying to fit in and be "normal". But...what is normal really? Well, I couldn't tell you. Apparently I am not it. My mother once told me that if I looked up the word "normal" in the dictionary I would see a picture of myself under antonyms.So far I have yet to see it but...ONE DAY, you know? Myself, I see normal as just another word that is used to categorize people. It's just another adjective. An adjective that I desperately want to be a part of...most days. Some days I see the flocking behavior of the "normal" people and I think "Okay...fuck that. Not only is it difficult, but it's also pretty freaking retarded.". "Baaaaahh", mock the sheep as they pass me by.
I don't really "get" most social ques. Language is a very important tool for me since your odd body contortions mean little, or nothing at all, to me. I rely heavily on the spoken, or written, word. It is what I use to...read in between the lines. If I am unsure of what's going on(which, chances are, I am)or I can't really tell what someone is thinking feeling, when it has been made pretty clear that I should, I have to go by your words because...it's all I've got. But, there is a problem with this compensation. To achieve a desired result with this method you must have an understanding of the fluidity of language. You have to be able to think carefully about the words that you pick and the way that you use them. You know? You have to be...appropriate. You've got to be very certain of your definitions of these words as well as everyone else's. You have to realize that different people are going to speak to you in very different ways and that each situation calls for it's own unique set of words with their own connotations.
This is something that, while I think so extensively about that I almost...obsess over, I am very bad at in terms of....putting theory into practice. I can't really process all of it quickly enough to think about all of those things simultaneously. I screw up. I never really know what to say so I flounder. You are upset and maybe I know that but it does not mean that I am able to respond accordingly. I don't instinctively know to say this so that you will feel better or say that so that you won't be angry with me. I just say...what I think. Pure, uncensored, me-ness. Not because it's good or anything, but because I can't not say it.
I am not like everyone else. I doubt that I will ever be. Me trying to be "normal" is the equivalent of shoving a square peg in a round hole. I mean really...exert enough force and maybe you'll get it in there but it's still not a circle. I doesn't really fit. Other people can(and do)socialize better than I can. But...in many cases I can think better than they can so...nuuuur(random nonsensical sound). I often fall into these ruts where I feel...stupid. But my test scores disagree. I am intelligent. I am very intelligent. I just have some things that get in the way of my ability to demonstrate it. Like the perfectionism. I have already mentioned to you my tendency to fixate on one aspect of an given endeavor. And then there is the crippling self doubt. My fear of being wrong and there for looking incredibly stupid? Yeah. I am already aware of how dumb my social eccentricities(to put it nicely)cause me to appear. Odd. Literal. Thick.
It has always been fairly difficult for me to get on with people. It's hard for them to get on with me too, I know. I was often bullied during the first eight or so years of school. I wanted friends. Badly. I would do anything to get a kid to want to play with me. I gave them money, I did their work, I allowed the teasing. I me, heck, I probably would have lopped my own arm off if I thought it'd make them happy(that is an exaggeration). I want(ed) to fit in but I dunno how. What should I change? What can I change without becoming an entirely different person?
I like things. Don't we all? I like oxymorons. I love anything that is remotely paradoxical. It makes me happy. Have you ever read 1984? We are reading that now in English. When I got to the part about the Ministry of Plenty, or mini plenty, I nearly laughed until I cried. That struck me as hilarious. I like socks. I always have liked socks. But it's not an aesthetic sort of thing. It is more of a fascination. I mean...they're mittens for your feet! And don't get me started on the toe socks. GLOVES! I am also very interested in neurology. Specifically the brain. I mean(wow do I say that a lot)it's amazing, right? It's what makes you...you. But it, the brain, is regarded in a scientific fashion not a social one which...I love. *laughs*
I have a thing for shiny objects. I know, I know. Typical girl thing, no? Shiny, expensive things, right? Wrong. Shiny things as in...bits of obsidian I find on the ground or toys. I could watch water flow for hours. I use way too much water in my bath for that very reason. "But water isn't shiny!", you protest. Yes it is, now shut up.
(AUGH!!! This just in! The washing machine has a mind of it's own!!! It is coming to kill us! (it is unleveled and therefor jumps on occasion) SWEET JESUS somebody call the exorcist! Ok, it's stopped. *turns off the emergency warning system*)
Besides, I plan to go on to NON shiny things. I like fire. I am not a pyromaniac...but I sort of am. Yeah. I only set things that are not needed on fire. That's something, right? The flames are entrancing. They pull me in and make my brain feel like....nananananananagnag(it's pretty hard to describe. but it is very pleasant).
Music makes me feel the same way but at a far greater extent. The way that it draws me in is much more powerful. I remember once when was about 8 or 9 my mother and I were in a Target and I heard this...beautiful music coming from somewhere. I took off without so much as a second thought. I had to find it. I needed to make it mine. It was a little display that was playing sample music from a CD. This was the day that I discovered Mozart.
I am very literal. I need things to be very...concise? No, that is not the word I want but oh well. I need everything, instruction wise, broken down into small logical steps or I get very nervous. I can't do it. Not easily anyway. Without the steps it feels like I am just taking a shot in the dark. I am easily confused if instructions are not crystal clear. SPECIFIC! That is the word. I thrive on specificity. As an example, just tonight my mother asked me to put water in the pot so that she could make spaghetti. Sounds simple enough, right? "How much water?" She looks at me. "A lot." "Yes, but how much is a lot?" "I don't know...I just fill it." "Yeah mom, but cup wise...how many?" She looks at me with shock. "Cups?! Just put it under the faucet." I walk over to her and point into the pot. "Do I fill it to here? Or here? Maybe here?" She makes a face. "Yes", she replies indicating the last here. Thus, turning something that probably lasts no more than a few seconds into a 5 minute ordeal.
Ok, now on to obsessions. I am inclined to become obsessed with things. First it was the Mesozoic Era, then Paleontology, then Pokemon, and now it's music, motors, and Star Wars(thank you Dramatic Teacher). I am leaving many short lived obsessions out of course. It is like...I have a harder time moving on with things than others my age. I just gt stuck. For instance, I am still quite obsessed with Pokemon but I am not so fond of the newer seasons is all.
So, yeah, those are some things. I'd better stop. This seems to be getting a bit to extensive.
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