Possibly Autistic....an Essay of Sorts

I plan to write this as if I am sure that what goes on with me is Asperger's Syndrome...which I am not. I am still very open to the possibility that I am either doing everything on purpose as my mother surmises(though...who could know the inner workings of my mind better that she?), or that I am inherently insane(ooh, alliteration!). But anyway, humor me. Okay?

Asperger's Syndrome is a part of the autistic spectrum(so I have read. please do not hesitate to forcibly insert knowledge into my brain if I happen to be misinformed). This would mean that I am autistic. Well okay then. That would likely explain a lot. Once again, I am not self diagnosing because...well what's the point? Will it make any difference? I think not. I will still be struggling to focus on my tests in a loud classroom. I will still fail the 12th grade. I will still be mocked by my own mother.

Anyway, here is what it's like to have Asperger's....for me. (Assuming that I do, in fact, have it.)

I am quite the social misfit if you have not already noticed. Awkward at best...terrified at my worst. Yesterday I pretty much bolted from The Counselor's office. A girl that I almost know was there. We have had awkward interactions. On one occasion I decided that I was going to follow her on her errand and she obliged...I did not know what else to do. What do you do with people? Awkward at best. When she arrived in TC's office I took a flying leap into terrified and fled as she replied "No, you can-". Poof. I was gone. I tend to shy away from new people. It is just so hard to socialise and remember all of the rules that I have learned over the years. Multitasking is what I must do. Multitasking is not one of my strengths. I flounder. I grasp desperately for the social rules and cling to them. I search for the cues and find very few or none at all. In an odd way I kind of like being alone. What I don't like is the fact that I can't just....interact when I don't want to be alone.

I am very detail oriented to the point that I often forget all about the bigger picture. When I see things it comes in pieces...like a puzzle(i like puzzles). Take, for instance, a tree. When I look at a tree I see first the grooves in the trunk's bark and lines on the leaves. Then I see branches connecting the trunk and leaves together. Then I see how the branches and leaves make a sort of green(or orange or red)halo around the tree. Sometimes, within all of this, I fail to realize that I am looking at a tree because I do not put all of the pieces together right away. I study them separately. But that's okay. I like that. And there is some good that comes of it. I notice little things that other's don't. This helps me find solutions to problems that would otherwise be overlooked.


I have this...thing. I can "see" music. Music for me is colour. When I listen to a song it is a lot like those visualization things on Windows Media Player. It has been like that for as long as I can remember. When I hear a song every instrument has a colour, the colour moves with the rhythm, and changes in response to the beat. Drums are the only static visualization. They are always white explosions on a black page. Every other sound is dynamic and likely to change colours with every song. Some songs are impossible to listen to because, while I like the sound of them, the look of them frightens me. Conversely, colours give me sound. Paintings sing to me. Some of them have a sad song to sing. Others are more sanguine.


I am both hyper and hypo-sensitive to things. My sense of hearing is very acute. It is so acute that I can never understand a word that anyone is saying. You must be thinking "But that does not make sense. Surely you would understand better if your hearing is so good". And yes, you would think so but that is not the case for me and I will tell you why. My brain's filter seems to be a bit...broken. So while you are able to tune out the other people talking around you and listen to me, I, on the other hand, am bombarded by "people noise" and the a/c and tapping feet...etc. You cannot be heard over all of the background noise.
My sense of smell is barely present at all. Once there was a massive gas leak(from the oven) in our house. Every room was full of the stuff but I did not notice. My sister was asleep(hopefully) in her room. I was in my room and very dizzy. When my mother arrived she was "knocked over by the smell". We could have died, my sister and I.

I fixate on things. I become obsessed and hyper focus to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. It's all I read, think, talk, and very often dream about. When I discover something that I really like(Obsidian) I learn about it until I feel like I've learned all that I can possibly learn...in other words I never stop.That makes me happy. I produces a sort of euphoria that is hard to explain. I bet it's better than sex.

There are some vexing things that come with the package too. I am hopelessly lost in social situations. I am not all that great at making a plan as I go along. Without a step by step guide before hand...without a plain I never know how or where to start. When I DO start the entire process takes much longer than it should. I cannot force myself to focus on things that I am uninterested in. My issues with processing and filtering sound often encroach upon my thoughts...they interrupt. I am a person of extremes and am either able to focus intensely, or not at all. Nonverbal communication is not my forte, so I over the years I have tried to compensate by building myself a massive wall of vocabulary and hiding behind it. I don't have a job because I am so petrified, socially, that I quit before I even begin. I chicken out and don't show up.

So, to finish before this becomes to lengthy, this is how (I think) autism affects me. But really...it's just another way of doing things right? A different way of experiencing the world. I have my fair share of issues but I would still have those if I were "normal". I would merely have different issues. And if I were normal I would probably not be able to "see" my music. I would never notice the little details that make me so happy. I would not be able to become completely enamored with a subject. I would not have the same thoughts...my unique way of thinking. But more importantly, without my idiosyncrasies I would not be the person that I am today. I would not be me.