What does it mean when... or Hey, You in Cyberland!

What does it mean when you can hear everything perfectly well, but you understand nothing? I have tried asking my mother about this strange and vexing phenomenon. Umm...she thinks I'm nuts. No, really. And I don't blame her. I was crying as per usual. I cry a lot...but never when it is expected. Heh. She was harassing me about school. You know, that place where I fail miserably? Yeah. She is fully aware that I will not be graduating this year. She's upset. I am upset. Our entire little universe is ripping at the seams. You see, I am "smart" ergo this "does not make any SENSE!" because I should just be able to do my work. Clearly I must not care. Right? Wrong wrong wrong. Mom....mom. I......can't.....hear. But I can. Mom...mooooom. I can't take notes. I cannot get the words to translate from their incessantly moving mouths, to my brain, and then the paper. I just does not work. Mom...I can hear the clock ticking in the front of my Anatomy class and it makes me want to forcibly insert my pencil directly into my ear canals. When I come home I am so angry and overwhelmed that the mere THOUGHT of homework makes me want to vomit with enough force to turn myself inside out....yes yes, I know. I am overly dramatic. But let me be serious for a moment. I rarely remember to do my homework. When I do it...it gets lost. No...I lose it. Look, I am taking responsibility.

But...I cannot concentrate on ANYTHING for the sound of the fucking a/c's in our class rooms. Have you ever heard one? I mean REALLY HEARD one of those things? It is loud. What? Why are you looking at me like that?! Why........won't.....you.....believe me?! Mom! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I think it may have something to do with the compulsive lying. I am a compulsive liar you know. And guess what? That means that you are probably reading a lie right...this..instant! But wait...hahaha. A paradox. Enjoy.

What does it mean when your skin feels like someone else's? I really, really do not know how to explain this coherently. Then again...I never explain much of anything coherently so why let that stop me now? I feel this...static within my body people. I have touched on the subject before. The Static and the Drill. They are always with me to some degree. They get much much worse when I freak out. I freak out a lot. Like today. I played a solo in band today. I never play solos. Ever. I played flawlessly according to my friends. That being said, I assume that they were merely trying to make me feel better about the whole ordeal. While I played the static became audible. That has never happened before. It actually pressed against my ears...much like silence does. Only the static is HEAVIER. When I finished, I think I stopped breathing for a good 2 minutes. My skin crawled and the drill shrieked on in my mind. Most if it was the anxiety but, to an extent, I feel this every day. Like I cannot REALLY control my body. Have you ever wanted to tackle a wall? I have. And I have spent many a lunch period banging my head against the lockers. Crazy, right? The light, sound, and people just...get to me. I am still all screwed up because of the solo thing. The light has mercifully remained tolerable but sounds seem to be amplified a good 4x above the usual SCREAM of chaos. Maybe...this is how everyone feels? Maybe. But...how do you FUNCTION through all of it???

I cannot argue with my mother there. She is correct about me not functioning. Did you know that the only reason that I am never kicked out permanently is because I am so FAIL at living? Yes. My mother is afraid to go past her usual 3 day GTFO punishment because I am so fucked up that I cannot even go to a job interview. I have actually gotten interviews and....refused to go. XD

Anyway, enough venting. KYRA! Thank you for that. It is nice to be reassured of my existence from time to time. And wow. Cheering. What a nice change. I don't think there are any groups here and yes, I have considered it. There is nothing to forgive. You are being very helpful. This is it. This is my place to speak honestly. *shrugs*