What's Wrong With You?

I get that a lot. The whole "What's wrong with you" scenario. I have learned enough to understand that when people ask you that...they aren't really looking for you to give them an answer. The merely want you to take note of the fact that you are doing something that they would much rather you didn't and, because of their "hinting", stop it immediately. To give an actual answer would be blown off completely. These are not answers. These are excuses. Forgive me. I thought you genuinely wanted to know. Lala.

I am not normal. Doesn't that sound emo? Wait, it gets better. No one understands me. Want to know the awful thing? I mean it. Typicality is not my forte. Normalcy is always just out of my grasp. You think I'm lying. I think I'm lying too sometimes. That is...until I talk to people. Until I try to interact. Have you ever noticed the social interactions around you? I have. I notice them every day. I watch people constantly. Trying to learn human beingness. I fail. I can't keep up. Or mesh. I don't mesh. I stick out from the crowd at painfully awkward angles. I have a sister...really I have three. One more on the way. But that is not important. I share a room with a 16 year old. She is more mature than I am. Exponentially more. It is rather daunting when I allow my mind to remember. I try to talk to her...really talk. What does it mean when there is this...infinite silence full of awkward tension that follows after very nearly everything that you say? I get that a lot with her. And the others. Why don't I understand people? I am a people right? Person....human....right? Sometimes I wonder.

My sister is so popular. How? How do you do that? How do you make so many friends? So many genuine friends? Friends that don't try to take advantage of you? I want that. I mean...I think I have that but then again I don't know. I never really know until that day. You know? That day where everything around you shatters like so much glass and falls....ripping you to shreds. When you find out that they were never your friends at all. That you had acquaintances...and that you barely had those. That they were only tolerating your presence because you did their homework and gave them anything that they asked for. Probably not. Why would you know about that? Only idiots like me know of such things.

I try so hard to be normal. Really! People have started to notice. I was such a little freak from elementary through 11th grade. This year people are noticing that I have toned down the weirdness. I know better than to talk about things that I like because the things that I like are inherently wrong. I get that now. I don't understand the why....but it is a start. I still wear a hoodie or jacket all day long but...there have been days this year where I've tortured myself and accidentally on purpose left them at home and people noticed! They were initially shocked and then complimentary. Baby steps, right?

I am trying to be more social. I am fighting off the reclusive tendencies. I still rarely go outdoors without other people but...at least I am trying. I go to school most days. Last year I skipped every other day. I am still failing...but I am failing a bit higher this time.

Want to know a secret? I still have an imaginary friend. I am fairly certain that I am not insane. I just...did not let it go. I created him when I was around seven. That was about the time that I started to notice that all the other kids had friends and I had none. He did not become very significant until I was about ten. All I ever wanted was to fit in. I wanted to be like the "cool" kids I saw. They never had to pay their friends. And I tried for a few years. I played the part of class clown very well. But they weren't laughing with me...just near me. Meanwhile, I got demerits. So...I decided to stop trying and simply make a friend. I began to draw constantly. The same "person" again and again. Is it strange that I talked to paper? To myself? I still talk to myself. It sooths the anxiety. Sometimes. Melancholy Grey is what I named him. Don't ask why. I don't remember. Maybe because it sounds cool? I made up stories for him constantly. He was like...this demonic superhero and I was his faltering sidekick. *shrugs* Highly illogical. At least I have removed myself from the script.

I did not make friends until high school. In 9th grade TheMommy pretty much forced me to befriend her and MandaPanda. I tried to make other friends on my own and was not successful until 10th grade. I made one friend without assistance. I decided that I was going to sit at a random table at lunch that day and force myself to talk to at least one person. And thus I became NNYFan's friend.

Ugh...I tire of writing. Part Two later.