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Scientists have discovered that the massive glow-whale floating unloved and typically ignored in our solar system has been creeping closer and closer to our planet. They believe that, in its loneliness induced delirium, it has mistaken our planet for its mother and is closing in for the loving embrace that it was never allotted in infancy. There is nothing to stop this God forsaken creature. Scientists estimate that we will all be burned to a crisp some time next Tuesday.

Sunsets largely considered an elaborate series of optical illusions. Not that it matters. We're all dying next week.

When asked about his opinion on our impending demise, local tree hugging hippie, Autumn Turtle Sky, had this to say: So it hugs us. What's the worst that can happen? A poor creature gets some well deserved affection. It's the LEAST we can do after all of the GARBAGE we catapulted up there! Our damned sense of-- (At this point, our camera man, who wishes to remain anonymous, smashed all of his equipment and walked home. When questioned later he simply stated "I was tired of his bullshit." and departed back into his home to play Gears of War.)

However, local Astrophysicist Vladimir Spitz disputed Mr. Sky's argument. In an interview with our ace reporter, Guy Peterson, at a bar near the University of Complicated Studies (UCS), a distraught Spitz argued, over large gulps of whiskey, that "we're all going to fucking burn. all of us! everything will...it'll all be gone. not even a pile of ashes. Jesus...my children.My fucking children. Little David. Little Stephanie...oh Christ. Just yesterday she told me she wanted to be a doctor...and now it's all gone. And David, oh Christ, he-" (Editor's Note: Interview ended abruptly when due to Dr. Spitz self defenestration attempt and subsequent cranial hemorrhage.)

Reporters ambushed Dr. Spitz en route to the hospital with inquires about a possible cure for erectile dysfunction before the whaletastrophy. He is quoted to have said "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS? THE WHALE IS GOING TO KILL US! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? THERE IS NO SEX WHEN YOU'RE DEAD. And...for fucks sake, I am an ASTROPHYSICIST! I don't have anything to do with how erect your dick is or for how long it remains that way! Fuck off!".

In other news, money trees were discovered in a remote area of New Guinea (more remote than the rest of it). Ethno/Eco botonist Ethan Glade says, "All different currencies...they drop coins for seeds. These could have solved so many of our problems, but who gives a shit now? Wanna see how many nickles I can swallow?"

NASA has decided to continue its effort to cover pinkish skysmudge, Jupiter, in black white-out so that no one will be compelled to attempt to eat it. Betty White will be accompanying them and relaying status reports to Earth.

I'm Joy Whittaker and this is Channel 80 News signing off and reminding you all to stock up on sunscreen for the remaining week.