The World is a Stage. I am a thespian.

I dunno, really. I was talking to an acquaintance today and he was telling me of the woes that have befallen him in the dating department of that thing I call Human Beingness. And I guess the whole conversation kind of made me stop and actually think about, like, my responses to things and, like, my behavior and stuff. Wow...I say like a lot. Like, even in text. That is probably very bad. But I digress. My behavior and my reactions to people and situations.

I have always felt that, in terms of having concern for others and at least trying to make that apparent, I do pretty well. But today it just sort of hit me how much of my reactions and,I guess, to some degree my personality as a whole, is fake. Not fake so much as what most people think of. Like, not the perpetual brown stain on the nose kind of fake or the trying to get you to give me stuff kind of fake. It is more like...I am just, like, reading from this elaborate script in my brain and going through the motions. Like, when I am around people, I tend to go into this default mode. There are two, but only one is commonly in use. To a lesser extent there is the Apathetic Eternally Depressed persona which, to a degree is accurate, when I am around those that I do not know well or I don't really like well enough to try to feign happiness or I am just tired or whatever, and then there is the Hyperactive Spacey Dream Girl persona which is also, to a degree, accurate. They aren't really fake exactly. They are essentially two small parts from each side of the coin that represents my personality as a whole, only magnified. Bad adjective.

The Hyperactive Spacey Dream Girl is basically...me. My voice is soft, breathy, and basically sound like a little kids, so it fits. I play, I tease, make my awkward jokes. Normal. Only...not really. Like, I am not actually being "natural" or following the "Just Be Yourself!" advice, although I am. If I were to actually behave in a way that, like, encompasses my personality as a whole many people would be very scared. You know, an angry mob with torches and pitch forks kind of scenario. If I acted completely naturally I would basically be HSDG that talks on and on in a rather unmodulated voice about Amphibious Ambulocetus or whatever the current fascination is, spins about randomly, and does spazzy little hand movements and jumpy things when excited. My persona chooses to keep these things private...for the most part (but I'll post more on that later).

Anyway, back to my thoughts. Ok, so, while he was telling me about the things that are going on in his life I basically fell into my standard social interaction persona, the Hyperactive Spacey Dream Girl, and I found myself regurgitating all of my typical stock phrases, you know? "Oh no! That sucks. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. That's terrible!" And, somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I thought "Wait...what am I doing? I consider this guy a friend. He deserves more input than this crappy impersonation of actual sympathy.". So, I stopped "acting" and just...really listened. And I gave my awkward advice and fumbled through my words. I mean...it was a train wreck, but at least it was real.

So, anyway, the whole thing made me think about something that I tend to wonder about a lot when I watch "sad" movies. How do I feel when someone is in pain? Really. Do I actually feel anything at all, or am I merely reacting? Because I assume that "normal" people can sort of sense what other people are feeling, and feel what they feel, yeah? Isn't that supposedly how it works? A sort of empathetic telepathy? Which implies that I don't sense what other people are feeling.And when I think about how I feel when i realize that someone is in hurting, I find myself starting to say, "Oh no! That is awful!"

Which is appropriate (right?), but it is not really a feeling. It is a reaction, and an act, as well a part of a script that I have memorized.

So what DO I feel, if anything at all? Well, I am not really sure. The most that I am aware of is anger. And that is at the injustice of the situation. But does that really mean that I feel for the person? I would like to say that I do, but I honestly do not know. Maybe I feel curious. Is that an emotion? I'm not sure. I know that when I realize that someone is hurting, I want to make it stop. But that is normal. Does it really matter if I feel anything as long as I respond appropriately? Not necessarily well, but appropriately at the very least.

My HSDG act is flawed, and inherently so. I know that, for the most part, I come across as a weird little kid, but without it I could not function at all. Without my little script I would never know what to say. I mean...I still don't REALLY know what to say, but I can follow a pattern well enough. And it's kind of nice having a few friends and being able to have a , somewhat, typical conversation with another human without too much chaos. Sort of. At any rate it is better than the alternative. A bit of functioning at the price of acting...I'd say that's a pretty good trade off.