I should be in P.E right now. Obviously I am not. I decided to take a mental health period and hang out in the library. I like the library. It is (usually) quiet. Which is good on days like these when the thoughts in my head are swirling about...merging together. It feels kind of like what I imaging that stuff in lava lamps feel like...bumping into one another, sliding across, floating past...merging. What IS the lava? I have always wondered but never taken the time to find out.
There are a lot of lights in here. It makes my eyes hurt. But they aren't too bad. They are silent. I like that.
So I was talking with Very Interested yesterday (not to be confused with the Very Interested from older posts...this one is a teacher, not a student) and I seem to have become substantially more confused than before. I have felt, for a while now, that Asperger's Syndrome would explain a lot of the issues that I have had. Not ALL but many. Umm...there are some aspects of the "condition" with which I greatly relate to. And then there are others that I don't seem to relate to at all. Like...I can control the monologuing. To be honest, I talk very little. Sure...when I was younger I would do that. Go on and on about whatever I was interested at the time but...we (humans) mature with age, yeah?
She, Very Interested, has added yet another possible variable to the conundrum. Intelligence. Like...OK, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind where I dare not venture unless I am either 1) Inherently sleep deprived or 2) In one of those moods where I feel the need to seek out the "silver lining" and end up sounding totally conceited, that I am, in fact, fairly intelligent. But what she is suggesting is that I am of highly superior intellect. In other words, a genius. No. No no no no no no and umm...no. Her arguments are well thought out and they gave me pause. A lot the "genius traits" rang true with me (other than the insistence of leadership...haha. f--k that. i lead myself and myself alone. i will not drag others down with me if i screw up.). But...a genius is someone with an IQ of 147 or more (so I have read. if i am mistaken please do not hesitate to forcibly insert knowledge into my cranium until you are satisfied). I don't. And let us not forget that I failed math twice and failed 11th and 12th grade. Not exactly the makings of someone intellectually advanced.
There were a few interesting links. There was one talking about the prevalence of gifted children being misdiagnosed with AS. That's terrible...if they don't actually have it. I think it was written by some Temple person? I don't remember.
Being..."bright" (i don't feel as uneasy using that word for some reason) would explain why I could not get along with my peers for such a long time. But so would Asperger's. It (intelligence) would not explain why adults had a tendency to dislike me as well. Teacher that seemed angry instead of thrilled to have someone so...interested (let's go with that) in learning. I was an annoyance. An annoyance that merely served as someone to help test scores. I am very adept at regurgitating information for tests of the multiple guess variety. Rote learning, woo. Fun stuff. But does that make me smart? Does the fact that I can parrot back what I am taught verbatim make me a genius? No. It makes me a bird.
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