Cannot STAND.

I'm isolating....and aware of it. How odd. Usually there is just, like, this moment of "where did all the people go?" and I am alone. But lately...I dunno. I am more aware of how the things I do and say repel people. I'm not saying that I am, like, doing a lot of shouting (although I kind of am) or lashing out. I mean...just things that most people wouldn't really be able to handle well. And by well I suppose I mean in a way that doesn't fill me with a sense of impending downward spiral. Heh.

I have made enormous strides since my elementary and middle school years. Once high school began it was almost as if I were a completely different person. I made friends, a few of which I have managed to retain. There were, and still are, moments where something would go "wrong" and I would remember how much I stood out. Or the difficulty. But, you know, that's normal. Setbacks...they are normal. Good days, meet bad days. They become very closely acquainted. Some days I am like...HYPER social. Inherently AWKWARD, but it is like I just CRAM all of the social interaction in that I can handle without having some sort of...crash. I think of it as something akin to a sugar crash. Only with people. Like, I dunno, the needle my socialization meter dips and dips until E. And there is nothing left. And then, after that, I am intensely closed off for days or weeks at a time. Kind of like I need to recharge or something.

But yeah, the isolating. I am in that hypo socializing phase. I do NOT want the contact. Even though I do. I do want it...but I cannot handle it. The phone calls, the talking, visits. No. No thank you. No, I would not like to sit and chat with you. I would much prefer to sit in my room and find a nice Sigur Ros song to listen to in an endless loop. Or play Spore for 8 hours. Or the Sims. Watch Detroit Rock City for the 12th time since I got it Saturday.

And I cannot escape the interaction. I feel like a caged animal. There are seven people in this house. SEVEN. I share a room with a sister that insists on grabbing our tiny, adorable, and almost obscenely LOUD infant sister and bringing here HERE. This room which used to serve as my refuge from the constant demand for "normal" socialization. I have Kid Explosion and her never ending tantrums and wanting to be hugged and kissed and "Make me a sandwich!" and running in and out of the room while voicing screams of either joy or extreme distress...if I don't bother to look up for tears I never know which. And then there is the Goat Girl that follows Kid Explosion in and out while she squeals in her delight and repeats my angst ridden screams for peace verbatim as is her way. She is our (the house's) echo. Joyous rapture, a mimic.

I am wondering about this change, though. Of noticing the isolating. I have always known that I was doing something wrong. That my methods were off. Unorthodox. Whatever. That I was different. But I could never really put my finger on it, so to speak. But lately, I can sort of pinpoint it a bit. I tend to stop conversations. Like...if they are a train, I am a huge freaking tree across the tracks. I guess I say some really odd ball stuff. But, in my defense, I usually have a reason that is actually pertinent to the conversation. Occasionally, I am just saying whatever pops into my head. But usually I am merely a bit behind in the conversation. It takes me a bit longer to organise my thoughts sometimes.

I am also very reactive, for one thing. Any tone that is not extremely neutral tends to set me off. I got so used to being mocked that I started to assume that every tone of voice that did not sound completely devoid of emotion was mocking. So...yeah. I explode when people try to joke with me. Not every time, but often. I typically exhibit one of two responses. One being I explode. I yell, I scream, and become incredibly defensive. Eventually refuse to speak at all. The second, I smile and take it while I think self hating things for being so stupid to allow myself to give another person cause to ridicule me.

The other isolating stems from fear. I am afraid of people. I have had lots of bad experiences. And, as I have mentioned, I am awkward. I don't really understand a lot of those hidden cues that everyone else seems so in tune to. And then there are pragmatics. How the hell should I know what definition of that word you expected me to just innately understand based on the context of your sentence? I understand that, in our language, many words have multiple meanings. And I am AWARE of those meanings. But I do NOT know what your inferred intent is because I am not you nor am I a mind reader. This is a problem because people expect me to just KNOW...and I don't. And more often than not they are unwilling to just tell me and be done with it because keeping things simple rather than letting the confusion escalate into something far more problematic is apparently unheard of.

While I have been known to repeat a part of my sentences again and again "Did you...did you...did you know...did you know that....did you know....", I have an extreme dislike for being told to repeat myself. I don't really know what it is about hearing someone ask me "What did you say?" in a rather loud tone of voice (typically, people yell their request because they are angry with me for not speaking in a way that they can understand initially or because they have asked me to repeat myself at least 3 times and I have refused) that makes me want to punch babies but...yeesh. I cannot stand it. It makes me really self conscious. I feel like most of what I say sounds stupid...but I just didn't realise it the first time around. Also, that no one is really listening if they need me to repeat myself every two seconds.