Human Beingness

I have already mentioned how I tend to feel...detached from everyone. Not in those words...never with that word. Detached. I suppose I was hoping that if I ignored it, it would just sort of...POOF! Disappear. Clearly that has not been the case. I don't really mesh well with others. Not even the "weird" ones. I can go through the motions well enough, but it has never felt natural. It is like...my body is a marionette and I am the manipulator. Does that make sense? Probably not, but fuck it. I've already started writing...no sense in derailing my train of thought now. Part of this feeling, of this detachment, I am sure, is simply one of the many consequences of this icky part of life that we call adolescence. Teenagers, by nature, are angsty, misunderstood things that feel like they don't fit in anywhere even though they are basically the Agent Smiths of this reality. That was a Matrix reference.

I'm struggling here. Can you tell? The words are flowing with all the rapidity of congealed gravy. But I need this out before my head explodes all over the walls. That project I mentioned posts and posts ago? Not so good. Blood and grey matter on walls...ick. Best to keep it all securely in my cranium. Oops, that was a digression. Detachment, right right. I have extended periods of time where I can allow myself to forget just how bad I am at The Social. But these times involve me being completely and utterly alone. Ah, irony. Then comes the day when my mother finally drags me kicking and screaming from the house. Do not be alarmed, it is merely internal kicking and screaming. I only make a mild complaint on the outside. "But...I really don't want to go...." and then I go anyway. I bumped into a friend in WalMart today. He's a great guy. Let's call him The Artist. Or maybe Possible Drummer. The Artist also known as Possible Drummer. TAFKD greeted me cheerfully. I waved awkwardly and smiled. He talked. I mumbled and tried to appear calm. Luckily I had Goat Girl to cover me. She kept running off and I had to give chase. Yay. That means I did not have to talk much. I could just smile and nod and "Oops, there she goes again, I really should catch her." run after the baby who eats everything with shocking indescrimination.

I'm not really saying anything here. I keep reading and rereading what I am typing. I don't know any of you...the handful of people that stumble upon my ramblings when you have a free moment, but I so desperately want you to understand because...no one else does. You see...no one really listens to me here. At home. I have a friend with a mother that I think I may be able to talk to but...this is all so hard to type let alone utter aloud and I am honestly afraid. Maybe she'll laugh. Maybe she just do what everyone else does and stare at me for a while and say "What is wrong with you?" or tell me to stop trying to act like there is something wrong with me. I feel slimy. I feel like a liar. But at the same time I feel incredibly betrayed by these people who are constantly trying to force me to open up and be more social. These people who ask for my honesty and then laugh or just balk in it's presence. It is enraging to say the least.

Today my grandmother continued in a ritual that has been going on for ages. I think she believes that constantly verbally bashing me about my attire will compel me to suddenly dress differently. Obviously increasing my daily dosage of self loathing should work. I mean who wouldn't try such an utterly fail proof method? It is always nice to know what an embarrassment you are to be around. I especially liked the part where she mentioned her reluctance to tell people that I am her grand daughter. It was encouraging. Clearly all I need to do to mesh better is get a new wardrobe.

There are times that I can talk to people. And I do it well. With certain people. People whose thoughts I seem to be able to complete and viceversa. This is when I am most comfortable...and even then I feel obscenely awkward. The words are easy enough but there is so much more to a conversation than words. There is this body language thing with which I must contend. Body movement and placement, eye contact, facial expression, elaborate hand gestures....et cetra. And I get all of this in equal amounts. It is all inherently important to me. Maybe it is like that for everyone. I dunno. All I know that it is overwhelming trying to decide what all of these different things are trying to tell mu while simultaneously trying to get my body to say what I want it to. Trying to keep it from contradicting my words as it so often does. I say one thing, and MEAN it God damn it!!!, and my posture or some other such crap says something completely different. Actions. They speak louder than words. Did you know? Yelling does not seem to fix that and restore the balance that I feel is lacking. You just cannot out scream your damned body language. Inside I may be completely calm but on the outside I look rigid and upset. Heh. Or my default expression...bored. But I really feel like hurling the nearest blunt object into your gaping maw. It's weird how that works out.

To look normal I have to watch watch watch the people around me. Did you know that watching tends to make people think that you are visually impaired? "You got an eye problem, kid?" I love the concern. As I have said before I am pretty fucking clueless when it comes to knowing what is expected of me when I am around people, behavior wise. Don't get me wrong, I know that you should be polite and not tell people that you hate their fucking guts because that is just rude. You save that stuff for chatting with friends. Did you see what did just then? I made a joke about a very typical social nicety. A rule of social grace if you will. Never say anything to the face of you enemy that can be said just as easily behind their back...or something like that. Anyway, watching. Bloggers, I wanna know. Does everyone have to do this or is it just me? I know that I am not supposed to know the answers to such questions considering the fact that life is just supposed to be difficult for me but...how about a hint? Do you all have to sort through all the data that encompasses The Social and consciously determine how it is that you are supposed to respond? Just a hint is all that I ask for. Really. Please?

I have this friend. Let's call her C. Sorry...I cannot think of a better pseudonym for her. She is that complicated (but in a good way). She pretty much forced herself upon me although in her defense, I gave in very easily. Her logic was too perfect to deny. Be my friend or I bug the living hell out of you. That was the easiest decision I have ever made. Really. Anyway, she discovered something inherently flawed in my personality (i guess...). I gave terrible hugs. I still do. I usually stand there like a plank and allow myself to be hugged. Hugs are...difficult. She was unsatisfied with what I had the offer and therefor sough out a way to change that. She wanted a "real" hug and mercilessly barraged me with that awkward display of affection until I managed to find a nice little pattern. She always hugged me in the exact same way. Yay for consistency. I began to mimic her approach. It was deemed acceptable. Just one problem. That hugs only works for that person, namely, C. It elicits a resounding WTF from the rest of the earths population. Go figure.

You see, there are rules for that as well. But no one ever bothers to just...I dunno warn you or something. You have to be aware of the functional as well as technical aspects of a hug. I shit you not. You really do! You can't give an acquaintance your patented C-friendly hug. That is just weird and liable to get you shoved into the nearest brick wall. Conversely, giving a good friend the acquaintance-hug can be just as damaging. It makes them think that you don't really care. Guh??? Why does it matter? I haven't the foggiest, but friend have been noticeably put off by the A-H. Riddle me this: How does one tell the difference between acquaintance and friend? I have been getting that one wrong for years. Is there a book on that? I need it.

Here is another area in which I fail at Human Beingness. Perception. There is clearly something quite wrong there. I know that I am feeling things that would have most people ready to swallow any pill prescribe from their nearest Pez Dispenser.

When I was younger I had this thing about crayons. The HAD to have the paper on them because 1) I never knew what colour I had without reading the wrapper (although I am not colour blind; i just did not trust my own judgment) and 2) the waxy surface of those things feel WRONG. I obsessed about holding them without the paper and feeling that oddly rough smoothness and getting crayon bits under my fingernails. If the paper came off I threw them out. Then end. If anyone asked..."I had to. It made my teeth hurt." "Ummm....wtf?" To clarify, the feel really did (does) make my teeth hurt. I get the same feeling from allowing my fingernails to touch the inside of bathtubs and some sinks. It is like a nails on chalkboard sort of thing. And alarm goes off in my mind and my teeth...feel like they are being ripped from my gums. I also get this reaction from holding chalk with my bare hands.

Part Two will follow.