This feeling that I cannot explain.

I really hate how I can go from being perfectly calm to feeling like I am standing on a cliff with a pack of rabid flesh eating kolas surrounding me from behind and a sea of jagged rocks and piranha laced with nitroglycerin below and no escape in sight. I eventually feel better, but the feeling can last for hours. It is like my brain temporarily looses itself and goes berserk and crashes like that old computer that you threw out last spring...the one that wouldn't load your pages in less than a milinia? Yeah.

It feels like there is something under my skin shocking me with a taser and screaming in my brain. It is so hard to explain...it is not really painful but at the same time it is excruciating. The feeling makes me want to tackle a wall; anything to make it just go away. It is an intolerable sensation that radiates throughout my body with a feeling of...rawness? Everything is worse. Lights are brighter, sounds are louder, that playful shove feels like a punch in the back, etc. This thing goes far beyond the realm of "mood" or whatever.

I am aware of the fact that it is not real and I find that sort of enraging. I should be able to control it. It drives me mad and there is no way to make it cease without crushing myself under a mattress, rocking, doing a full body slam or some other "stupid" behavior as a means of calming down. It takes every bit of my self-control to refrain from screaming at the top of my lungs and damning the incessant entity in my body that only exists when I am in this mindset or whatever the hell it is.

The worst thing is the randomness of it all. They occur for seemingly no reason whatsoever. They happen regardless of where I am , who I am with, the circumstances, or how I may have felt mere moments ago. And I feel this all the time. It happens more often than not. Multiple times a day and I can never seem to get the alone time that I require because my mother simply does not understand. When I am upset I wish to be left alone, not bothered constantly with trivial things. I want to sit in my room and rock to whatever music I have on repeat at the moment. When she or my sister come barging into my room I nearly jump out of my skin and that does NOT help.

It makes me miserable. It is like a constant reminder of how stressful everything is, that happiness is fleeting at best, and that nothing good can stay.