I am.....I dunno really.

At the suggestion of two very good friends I am going to continue my pointless drivel. I have not been at my most sanguine as of late. Failure, I am sure, can be expected to do that to you. I wish that there was some magical pill that would take all of my problems away, but this,sadly,is not the case. What can you do? Nothing.
My best friend of nearly four years left with out so much as a goodbye. She did not take her cellular communication apparatus. I miss her, the twit. TWIT.
I am fairly miserable. I am not depressed. No, I have researched and the head shrinker was quite wrong. I am merely sad, anxious, and weird. I have reasons. I do not really get along with my mother, and that is my fault. I will acknowledge that. I am not yet sure WHY it is my fault but it is none the less. I don't eat. Not because I am getting a complex. No. It is either a lack of hunger or, more often, a case of the "I hate People"'s. If my mother is in or near the kitchen I will go without eating until I am physically hurting. Sometimes I just decide screw it and don't eat for a few days. I do not like for her to look at me. I cannot bear for her to speak to me because it always sounds like I am being ridiculed. I do not wish to speak to her. She fills me with an impending need to projectile vomit from my every orifice. Why do I care what she thinks? Why do I want her praise? Simple, I am an idiot. Really.
I have probably already mentioned this, but what the heck? I am incredibly thin skinned. I notice it even more now. It takes so little to hurt me. It is really quite pathetic. Everything I do must be perfect or not done at all. Criticism hurts. It is agonizing. I do not like to let people watch me do thing for fear that they will see me screw up and comment on it. Pitiful.
I went to my sisters dance rehearsal today. She was good. I still hated it. All those screaming kids. I wanted to cover my ears and leave. Of course that would be fairly strange. I would have embarrassed my grand mother. I made a huge effort to be "normal" today. I did not wear my hoody. I did not bring my Mp3Player. I answered questions. I even looked near the eyes of a few people. I think I did rather well. I still felt awkward the entire time. I walk "funny" and I can feel it. I used to only hear about it. Now it can feel my gait. I am aware that my arms do not really swing unless I make them, and if I do that I hit people/objects. That is never good.Inhales.
Today's(and yesterday's)song of repetition is Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung. It makes me feel.....normal??? The lyrics make me feel like maybe I am not the only weirdo out there. It makes me feel like maybe there ARE people who would like me despite my oddities...FOR them even. Wonderful.
I watch people interact and it leaves me feeling strange...and alone. It all looks so easy when I observe but when I try to put my observations into practice it never goes quite as smoothly. I always say something....wrong. I cause the awkward silence or I get to excited about something no one really cares about and "Shut Up!!!". I smile and laugh it off(usually), but I won't really talk much for the rest of the day. I cannot figure out what it is that I am doing so wrong. I want so much to find the flaw in my method. I feel like if I can manage that then everything will fall into place and I will suddenly fit in forever more. Unlikely.
I cannot make myself feel good. I do not feel comfortable in my skin. How can this be? I FEEL awkward. I feel weird. I feel hated(conceited, I know). I wear my discomfort like a favorite shirt...or better yet, an ugly ring that has gotten stuck on a jammed finger. I have(had)ways of reliving this feeling. Lying under my mattress,or anything heavy, makes my body feel...for lack of a better word, right. It makes me less fidgety and twitchy, which I love. But, alas, that causes problems. The bed was not made for that. Stupidity like that is grounds for my bed being REMOVED. Nice.
Here is something interesting. I am the smartest idiot you will every meet....or was I the dumbest genius? I would go with the first one. I am so literal it annoys even me. I will not give examples today. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Do not ask me rhetorical questions. Seriously. Don't.
I do not really know what to say now....I have hit a mental rode block it seems. Hopefully this is sufficient for a blog.Done.