How long has it been?

Weeks? Months? A YEAR? Well, never mind. I have returned. Let's see....a recap before I get to the post. I am in HS for two periods a day. Technically I have graduated...but I haven't. However that works. Clear as mud, yeah? I am frequently annoyed with my step dad. He is a jerk. Sorry mom. GoatGirl speaks. KidExplosion is in Kindergarten and loving every moment. Tantrums are still rampant. My English teacher is forcing the class to write an ELEVEN CHAPTER autobiography. I have written 4 pages and I already sound like a total nut. Did I mention that it must have 11 chapters? I made a bot for my chat room. It was fun. I have written like 12 songs and my band is trying to record. Okay, you are now caught up. On to the post!

I have been thinking about this for a while and a conversation that I had helped nudge me over here. I am not certain if this is typical of children. Grass. Flowers. Trees. Weeds. I was seriously fucked up in the head when I was younger. You see...what if's constantly raced about in my mind. They still do, just not with so much urgency. I used to worry that plants could feel. And think. And maybe even scream. One day, when I was about five or six, I watched my granddad mow the lawn and suddenly...I got that feeling. You know? The one that you get when you go down a hill in a car. My stomach "dropped" and I felt really afraid and sick. I thought "Grass is alive...like I am alive. What if it FEELS that? What if he is hurting each and every blade right now? What if they are screaming right now...in a frequency that I can't hear?". Pretty warped right? Well it gets better. After that I would feel like a murderer every time I forgot and picked a flower. "Oh my GOD! I killed it!!!" I wouldn't walk on grass if I could avoid it. If I couldn't I tread softly.

I've kind of been writing about this whole Asperger's Syndrome thing for some time (guess what? this is a new thought!). I hate that I did not get to stay in the whole Psychology thing long enough to hear a definite "yes, you have this" or "no, it's something else". It's frustrating...not being sure. I mean...I HATED my psychiatrist. The few sessions that we were together she spent reading a journal that she made me keep while asking me "Hmmm." and being completely patronizing. I know...that's vague. But that is how our time together felt. Vague.

S: So what do you think?

P: I honestly don't know what to do with you.

S: Well...if you had to make a GUESS?

P: *silence*

While we were together she always glanced at her watch. Constantly. I would just stare at...everything and pull at my shirt sleeves. I remember the last session...we just sat there. In complete silence. For a very long time. And then

P: You wrote that you "have lots of friends, but they all ignore [you]". What did you mean by that?

I can't think of a response so I stare at the large stuffed lion in a chair.

S: Someone moved it.

P: What?

S: The lion. See? It's in the wrong chair. It is always in the other one...heh.

P: Most of my clients are children. They move it.

I chew on my sleeves for a bit and watch it. Untie my shoes and tie them (just a badly) again.

P: Does that bother you.

S: No.

I get up and move it back. She laughs.

P: About what you wrote...

I play with the chains on my pants.

S: I don't know. It's hard to explain. I mean...it's like...I'm invisible.

P: Well that doesn't make any sense.

S: Guess not.

P: If you have many friends...why would you feel ignored.

S: Because...I dunno. When they want something...like help, then I exist. When they don't which is...like...99% of the time, I cease to exist. Like a magic trick. Now you see her...now you don't.

P: Are you sure that this is REALLY the case or could you be exaggerating?

S: Well sure. I could be exaggerating. But why bother? I am in THERAPY. What good would lying do me?

P: Exaggerating.

S: Whatever. Either way, inaccurate.

P: So you really believe that they were only around when they needed you?

S: Yes. I mean...I am awkward and reclusive, but that never deters them when they need me. Like...when they call me to ask for answers or to bash one another. When they need someone to listen they are my best friends ever. Calling constantly, wanting to go places, inviting me over... I mean...the whole thing is overwhelming. But it is still nice to feel...wanted. But it was never real. The moment they either got over their break up or stopped hating one another I was tossed aside like an old toy.

I unhook the chains and swing them around. She glances at her watch.

P: Could you look at me when you talk?

S: Huh?

P: I have noticed that your eye contact is very poor. Why is that?

S: It makes me feel weird.

P: How?

S: By...inducing feelings of weirdness? An odd feeling in the stomach...much like falling from a-

P: See, you are not maintaining eye contact. Try it.

I stare at her for a moment and look away.

P: That is very interesting.

S: What?

P: Nothing.

The session ends.

Still with me? Wow. I am pleasantly surprised. That was the longest conversation we had. It felt a bit...empty. But that's just me. What was I saying? Oh, vague! We never seemed to get anywhere with our conversations. I am sure most of it was my fault. I did not really want to be there. I'd been dragged into the realm of psychology once before and not been impressed.
Our last session somehow ended with her telling me that she though AS would fit and that she was referring me to a "specialist" at her assistant's request. I had an easier time talking to her (the assistant). I never saw the specialist because we could not afford it. Anyway...the AS. Once I was sure that I was not going back to the shrink I googled AS and read some stuff. It's weird. In some ways what I have read has this sort of eerie twilight zone vibe. It was like "Holy shit, that describes...me!". But...for the most part, no. From what I have read, I have very little in common with other adults with AS (Ok, so I wasn't 18 then...but I am now and the point still stands). Not that READING would be enough. But I hang out in chat rooms and, while there are some similarities, for the most part the seem like this extremely resentful group with this odd mindset that they are superior to "N.T.s" which is complete bullshit.

They all like "Stupid N.T.'s and their obsession with small talk.". I don't really understand the whole using "neurotypical" as an insult thing? It gets a resounding WTF from me. But...anyway, the reading. I don't think I sound like other people with AS. I don't seem to think on the same wave length. From what I have read (and seen in the chat rooms) is that people with Asperger's are very good with maths and computers. Umm...I am fucking awful with math and can barely use a computer without screwing something up. And I read about obsessions. There is so much on that! I have written before that I have obsessions...but really. I don't think so. I have...I get really excited about things. Yes. I fucking LOVE Pokemon...but that has definitely ebbed over time and WHAT KID DIDN'T LIKE POKEMON? I just...held on a bit longer. I have friends that still say "Pokemon is the shit."

I don't spend all my time talking about train schedules and monologuing about species of dragonflies or whatever. Now I can talk and talk and talk but it is in response to what people are saying. If I start to go on about Pokemon or something it's because you brought it up and you are STILL going with it. I won't talk all over people and change the subject to talk about my fixation. I lack that...the constant fixation. Isn't that apart of the diagnostic criteria? I can talk to people. It is awkward and I can say some pretty oddball shit but....I can converse.

crap...tired. Part 2? Probably not.