Well, hai there all you male peoplez in blog land(because, as we all know, there are no females on the intertoobz. *giggle*). How are you today? I am a bit out of it. Ever have one of those days where your friend calls and, rather than actually TALK as is customary, you merely sit there and try to listen(and fail miserably of course)? Like...it becomes necessary to ask them to repeat themselves ever two seconds? Yeah, that's me today. My brain feels fuzzy. I cannot think. The echo is in full swing and the pneumatic drill is screaming louder than ever. The words are flowing with all the rapidity of congealed gravy. But enough of this rambling. On to the post.
I have been thinking a lot today about this whole "social" conundrum. It is, for me, this never ending circle of uncertainty. I never really know...what to do with people. From a good social distance I am fairly certain that I appear fairly typical. But, for most, from the very first conversation I seem to be...a bit off. I spent most of my childhood and, so far, all of my teen years in a daze of sorts. Mostly I was(am) thought of as weird in school. I didn't(don't) pay attention well and I never made friends very easily. I would(will)also hyper focus on some completely unimportant but inherently(in my mind)necessary detail that made up some TINY aspect of my work and I would(will) do it and redo it and do it again still until I could(can)deem it worthy. That often caused(causes)problems in a school setting. When you obsess over ONE part you tend to...forget the project as a whole for a while. You fall behind. Suddenly the teacher is hovering over you and wondering in an exasperated tone why your assignment is incomplete...why you never seem to do your work. The disappointment in her voice make you feel awful. It also makes you feel angry and argumentative. It sets the tone for the rest of your day because all you know how to do is fixate fixate fixate. Peserveration is what makes your world go round.
I lack the apparently natural(in most humans)ability to read facial expressions. I am pretty much confined, in my ability to read others, to anger, anger, anger, oh and, um, anger. I am also fairly suckish(yeah yeah, not a word)at DISPLAYING the appropriate facial expression. My default expression is boredom which isn't really all that bad. But here is the kickster, when people come up to me and say ANYTHING I am told that I typically have this nervous/surprised expression of confusion. Even when I am not afraid or surprised or confused. But..when you are trying to make friends or just...behave like a normal human this can be sort of problematic.
Excluding the whole chronically confused thing, I seem pretty much like everyone else. But... have to THINK about all of these things. I have had to LEARN how to respond in ways that seem to just come naturally for other people. It....it's not dyed in the wool. During a conversation I have to try to remember what you are supposed to in any given social situation and that is very difficult not to mention exhausting. I often wonder if anyone else realizes how fast paced and complex it all is. There should have been a class for this in school for all of the other broken toys.
Basically my life is like a very elaborate acting experience. A play if you will. I have to consciously think about what it is that people do when they are happy. I have to remember how to respond when others are...not so happy. I've got to near constantly remind myself what it looks like when someone is trying to tell me something really important. I need to talk myself through the process of just..."chilling out" and looking "cool" which, sadly, I am NOT very proficient at. I mean, luckily, I was quick enough at picking up on my inabilities and studying the other humans so that I could quickly(though rather unskillfully)patch up the artists holes in my personality. Umm...but even with all of this acting,some of it almost convincing enough for me to believe, I still feel it every day. I still feel how I am a little different from my peers. I can feel the waves of apprehension that wash off of them when I say something that is just a little too strange to simply be laughed off or ignored. And I know that I don't really...get it the way that everyone else seems to get it.
I am really bad at making eye contact. Once upon a time my eye contact was in the "freaky good" range. I was the child that stared intently at EVERYONE because long long ago at teacher told her that listening=looking intently at the speaker so that they KNEW you were paying attention. Good listeners make it very apparent you know. But...it has always made me very nervous to do so and, like I said, it was creepy so I just quit all together around 6th grade. Now I'll usually stare at the ceiling, the wall behind you, or your lips. Anything to avoid your eyes.
Now, I am more than my difficulties. I am weird beyond any doubt, but from the bizarreness has come good things. I was(am?)hyperlexic. I read, well, before the age of two. I was potty trained by 13 months. I spoke in complete sentences by 8 months. I draw very well. I am no Van Goh, but given enough time I could draw any of his most famous in stunningly OBSESSIVE detail. I am also quite musically inclined. I started whistling before I discovered speech. I could play simple music from Tom and Jerry by 4. I have an extensive memory for music. I can hear a song once or twice and, usually(sometimes it depends on my mood)play it back in it's entirety. I have perfect pitch and I play by ear. So, those are some good things before you think I have gone into full fledged pity mode. I am not all woe-is-me-my-life-is-so-terrible. Once again, I do this merely to keep my head from EXPLODING all over the walls.
I am a klutz. I am socially inept. I am weird. I can't give a hug. But none of that really matters in the grand scheme of things. All that really matters is that I don't let any of these things get in my way. Sure, I take a blow and fall a few feet but I always get up. Sometime with greater difficulty than others and that's okay. I'm trying and that is pretty damn awesome in itself.
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