Difficult to say...

Wow, two posts in one day! How unusual. I must be trying to make up for the lost time.

I feel like chewing my sleeves to a frayed ruin. I bite everything. My pencils look like they have been to hell and back. Every so often my friends sport the marks of crooked teeth and a gap. Why? It is comforting. Much like listening to my songs on repeat or rocking in a dark, quiet room.
I seek deep pressure. I may not know how to give hugs and maybe I stand there like an idiot when I get them but I enjoy a good spine cracking embrace. I like to get under my mattress and just lay there and feel it crush me. I sleep buried under a mountain of pillows and blankets...and clothes. Anything to feel that pressure. I asked my grandmother to step on me and relished my grandfather laying on top of me as I hid under the sheets of their bed exclaiming "You'll never find me, I am INVISIBLE!!". "Now where could my boo be?", he'd ask as he plopped down on his strangely lumpy mattress. When I move out I plan to buy two weighted blankets.
But this is not where it ends. I am a walking sensory contradiction. Most people think that I do not like to be touch and that is not exactly true. I want it, it's just that I cannot handle it. A light tap makes me want to scream. Then there is my boyfriend...my touchy feelly boyfriend. He likes to kiss. I don't know how. He likes to touch. I freak out. He wants to caress. I cannot deal. And I hate myself for it. He craves affection and I cannot give it to him. He does not understand my issues and that frustrates me. Of all people he, fellow sensory overloaded weirdo, should understand. He was ok in the beginning. He seemed to get that he would have to go slow with me. That I was GOING to pull away or have a full blown spaz out when he touched me. Don't confuse this...there is no sex. Sex would likely kill me. Quite literally. This is just...feeling? Rubbing my back, touching my legs, caressing my cheek. I can't take it. I love the fact that he likes me enough to do that. I'm fucking THRILLED, but I cannot handle the contact. And now, suddenly, he has started to realize that the smile he sees is not a smile but a GRIMACE. That I am not enjoying it. I am merely ALLOWING it. And that hurt him. It hurts him deeply. More than he could ever fully explain. More than I would ever understand. "Why don't you like it", he asks. "Why does that upset you", I wonder.
We are both so socially clueless. Me much more so than him. We are not really "in tune" with one another. He should respect my neurosis. I should try to explain...but I don't. I avoid it because I want him to like me. It's so frustrating. I don't want to ruin it. So I sit there and take it. I try to convince myself that if I go through the motions long enough it won't matter anymore. It will start to feel the way that it is supposed to. Meanwhile, I get nauseous or feel panicked and scream or shove him away and he feels wounded and angry. No...it's not anger. It's much worse than that. He's wounded, like I said. Hurt and confused. And he feels hated. I know this because he's told me. Things were going so well prior to his introduction toCuddling 101 that he could not comprehend the change that took place. Part of it is probably typical Aspie(how I LOATHE that word)rigidity. But most of it is, "She does not want me to touch her....she must not love me anymore, oh no!"
But that's not the case. I just can't make myself get comfortable. I cringe before he touches me...I see him move and I automatically shrink away. Tactile defensive. "Babe, why are you biting your fingers", he asks during an embrace. "No reason,"I mumble through I mouth full of hand.(Because you're touching me for FUCKS SAKE stop TOUCHING me I told you I had a bad day and you god damned rubbing only makes it doubleplus bad so STOP!!!) If I had the proficiency for coherent though in those moments you would so dump me.... If only you could see what I was thinking, you would be quite horrified.