Ramblings and a List

I have suddenly become very angry at the fact that no one in my family ever noticed what I was going through as a child. My cousins thought I was just a weird smart kid, but they were kids to. There were NO adults that noticed anything. My grandparents recently told me that they had no idea that I was being bullied. How could they not know? I was "sick" all the time. I called them from school begging to go home but they always talked me out of it. Other than Kindergarten,3rd, and half of 5th I never had friends. I had that friend through our parents friendship.From 1st grade on up people absolutely despised me. I remember one day, in 4th grade, the teacher left the room and the entire class ganged up on me.They called me stupid, and ugly, teachers pet, dictionary girl...so many other. A few had the nerve to come up and shove me. They kept on and on until I finally snapped and proceeded to scream, kick my desk over, and throw whatever my hands could get a hold of at them. I was mocked in PE for not being able to do activities. I was too clumsy. I couldn't process left and right quickly enough and would bump into people. Dance exercises were the worst. Third grade, I got along with everyone. I had been moved to Mobile with my mom and the school I went to was for the "gifted". There were so many that were similar to me and they all liked me. I was weird but so were they and it was a good thing to students and teacher alike. Fifth grade started out well but then people started to "joke" with me about how interested I was in science and the weird questions I would ask. Eventually they became aggressive and labeled me as a know it all. I had 2 REAL friends that year. One was swayed by the majority, the other believed lies. She was told that I had made up a story saying that she had bled all over the bleachers while on her period. Right...I would say that. All my mom ever seemed to notice was that I talked too much in class and that my discipline would be unsatisfactory after a fight. That is all that she cared to take notice of. Never WHY I kept getting in fights. All my life I have been very awkward. I just never realized what it was until I entered middle school. I have always had a knack for saying the wrong thing no matter what. Or thinking that I had a friend when I really did not. I used to pay people to play with me. I gave them toys or my lunch money. I thought that was normal. That all friends did that.Because my vocabulary was always far above grade level people found me snobbish when I spoke to them. I later stopped talking to people very much at all. They found that snobbish as well. Like I thought I was better than them or something. My eye contact has never been quite right. Until about 6th grade I would stare and not look away from the person that I was talking to. That was creepy. After 6th grade I stopped looking at all and, while it still caused problems, people seemed to accept it more. I dunno what else to say....I just cannot believe they(my mom and grandparents)never noticed. The are all acting like I suddenly became the mean, weird person in 6th grade. I have BEEN different. I am NOT mean I have merely gotten used to being left alone. Now they are all offended because I would rather not be around people. I am stupid because I do things that they would not do(lying under my mattress, spinning in circles, ect)because I should grow up and stop doing them already. They are JUST noticing that I do not get most expressions and figures of speech. They tell me to use common sense and stop acting like there is something wrong with me. I am being stupid because certain sounds bother me, and I do not like to be touched all the time, and certain textures are just impossible to deal with? I was put out of the car recently for covering my ears while the baby cried. I don't get it. She is loud, I covered my ears. What is the big deal? People confuse me.

Now, on to the list. I am writing it for "Teh Head Shrinker". Thought I would put it here as well. I dunno, I am bored. Anyhow,I...
1:) spin nearly constantly. It makes me feel balanced. Backwards, right?
2:) have a tendency to scream in frustration. Not too unusual, right?
3;) rock. Back and forth or side to side, it matters not.
4:) can listen to the same song on repeat for hours, days, or weeks much to the chagrin to all those near.
5:) lay(lie?) under my mattress(for the pressure?), sit in my closet(to be alone in a quiet, dark space), and lay or lie under my bed in an attempt at peace.
6;) will bite my hands in anger. Not too smart, I know.
7:) Obsessive download music. I have a need to own all music.
8:) shake my hands when I talk. Like, I gesture a lot?
9;) shake my hands(in a different way) when I get angry or upset... Tis quite odd.
10:) have a tendency to screech when I get bored. As soon as I figure out how to put sound files on here I will let you all clutch your ears in horror and pain.
11:) say words over and over out loud or in my head. I say "Da moo-nah"(the moon) and "widget"(which I am not even sure is a real word) a lot. I also repeat people and the television. Like when a person talks to me one word may just grab my attention and I will say it all day. Same with TV. If I hear it I will blurt it out. Repeat it verbatim.
12;) switch back and forth between a serious almost monotonous tone of voice and an overly expressive excited voice.
13.) wring my hands a lot. I have ruined many a pair of gloves with this.
14:) am a klutz with a tendency fall up stairs. I also have an odd gait which becomes worse when I notice others watching.
15;) am not good with sarcasm. Sarcasm usually goes over my head so I have started to assume that everything being said to me has some hidden sarcastic meaning. Bad.
16:) have been told that I hum both incessantly and repetitively. I don't really notice.
17:) shake my head from side to side fairly often. I have actually been doing it on and off this entire time.
18;) take things sort of literally. Most jokes end with a stupid comment on my part...let me just leave it at that.
That is all I have so far.