Behind

i haven't updated in a while. i can feel the anxiety edging back into the periphery of everything...biding its time. my thoughts have again become jumbled and frantic. obsessive. dark. the depression remains manageable. almost unnoticeable. i am not sure if this is because the anxiety is so all encompassing that i am only just able to perceive it or if i have gotten used to it. phone calls, text messages...the doorbell. they all make my heart race. i can't recall this always being an issue. at this point i am fairly certain that if a complete stranger were to come up to me with a bottle of pills and say that they cured anxiety...i would try to swallow the entire bottle. i'm not looking for happiness by any means. i have accepted that happiness is not something that i am allowed. i just want to be OK. in any case, none of this is relevant to what i intended to write.

i have been doing a lot of thinking coupled with people watching and observation of friends...or acquaintances as i am never sure which i have. i am lagging greatly behind them in terms of independence, social ability, and just...living. this is nothing new, of course, but lately i have begun to fixate on it. at 21, rounding the corner to 22, i have only had one relationship. if i am honest with myself, it did not count. a high school "romance" bearing far more semblance to a mutual grade school crush. even now, nearly 6 years later, i still have no idea how to navigate that sort of thing. i'd like it, but i don't quite understand it. it just looks nice. they appear to be enjoying themselves. i'd like to enjoy myself that way. love. feel loved.

i'll revisit this. suddenly not up to writing.